Fear
by BigChillFreak
Summary: Things go to far when Alphonse acuses his brother of programing him to be his little brother, things only get worse when he injuries his brother accidently and runs off. Meanwhile Ed with a last desperate hope to fix the situation gets into trouble escaping from medical care, both brothers are lost to their guilt will they find eachother before things escalate to beyond repaired
1. Fear

**Fear**

 _ **Fear it describes many things, an emotion, a feeling a situation, it also blinds us to the truth and makes us act irrationally, later it breeds regret**_

 **Warning brief mention of suicidal thoughts if that bugs ya I suggest not reading the second flashback, Also Winry might be a bit OOC later on I'm not good at her character**

He watched the Alley cat rub up against his armor, its black fur was soaked from the rain but it did nothing to wash off the guilt, pain and fear the younger boy felt.

He knew he shouldn't be sitting in the rain for too long, his blood seal could wash off if it came down hard enough.

Would it matter though, he just disowned the only living family he had left and even worse hurt him in every way possible.

No death would be a fitting punishment for a monster like him.

All because he believed more in the words of a killer than those of his own brother, the one person who never treated him carefully or looked at him strangely.

Who saw him as human through and through.

Who didn't think he could ever do wrong.

Who he had hurt and thrown away like an old doll, broken, bleeding, left to die.

What had he done?

 _ **(Yesterday Afternoon)**_

" _Memories are just information that you can reference like a file cabinet, with your skill you could have given me any set of memories you wanted" spoke Al his voice was oddly cold and calm._

 _And why wouldn't it be, he just found out there was the possibility of him being nothing but a fabrication of memories, for all he knew he wasn't even the real Al just armor given the memories of a long dead brother._

 _But there was still a tiny part that denied his words but he wasn't listening to it, right now he couldn't bear the fear and anger beginning to rise inside him._

 _He saw the confused look on his brother face" fake memories? Don't tell that's what's been hurting" he sound almost relived and something just snapped inside of Al._

" _Why shouldn't I be concerned? I'm beginning to forget things!" he yelled as he continued" I can't remember moms face; I can't remember how food taste or even warmth! I can barley recognize anyone back home besides Winry and Granny!" his voice was getting louder as his brother spoke up again._

" _Al-"Al cut him off though._

" _Back in Resembool you said you had something to tell me but you were afraid of how I'd react, you remember that don't you" the words hadn't even been out for more than a few seconds before a sort of panic looked appeared on his brothers face._

 _Was he right was his brother lying to him?!_

" _The reason I'm forgetting is because none of my memories are real! Their just things you created, my soul isn't real! Isn't that what you wanted to tell me!" he snapped at his brother._

 _He noticed how his brother's face had adopted a shocked almost horrified look, small form shaking from both physical exhaustion and pain both physical and emotional._

And what terrified him now as he thought back to that afternoon was that he enjoyed it, he wanted to laugh at his brother ask him why he even had the right to feel pain when he couldn't.

 _Winry's voice cut in "No! What Ed wanted to tell you-"she jumped out of the way as his large steel gauntlet nearly hit her._

" _STOP LIEING TO ME!" couldn't they just stop!" I know the truth now, the person named Alphonse Elric never existed and even if he did once he's gone I can't be him!" that was the only two conclusion he could make in his unstable state._

 _Either Alphonse wasn't even a real person or he was and all Ed had done was attach the memories to this armor and if that was true than he really was a fake soul, a puppet._

 _Ed only got worse and Alphonse couldn't find it in him to care, he didn't care that it looked like his brother was about to collapse any moment._

 _He didn't care how blank or pale his brothers face had become or the way he seemed to shake, heck he could have a heart attack and he still wouldn't care._

He later found himself regretting that thought.

" _That makes no sense! I've known you and Ed since we were kids, granny too! Were your friends you can trust us!" Winry was being the strong one during that nightmare, she looked at Al and despite the desperation anyone could see the deep hidden anger inside sapphire._

" _Can I! How can I believe anything while I have this body! I'm a hollow shell! What should I believe my memories! All three of you could be in on this!" it was only pure will power that he didn't lash out at Winry again._

 _A low raspy voice broke both Winry and Alphonse's next words as they looked at Ed, he was still shaking and so was his voice as he spoke to Al" So you've been sitting on these thoughts all this time? Is there anything else your hiding?"_

As he thought back he never realized in his anger how broken his brother sounded how defeated and worse frighten he seemed.

 _But Al hadn't cared as he snapped back" What about you my so called brother! Why won't you say anything! Unless it's true!"_

Al shuddered inwardly as he remembered what he did next, what had he done!?

 _He began to leave when the scraping of metal against his arm made him look down to see Ed grabbing on._

" _Let go of me! There's no point of me living anymore!"_

He was wrong about that too, he did have a reason he was just too blind to see it.

 _He shook his brother off and kept going only for him to hear his brothers voice, laced with fear as he latched onto him again" Al you idiot!" he pleaded but he wasn't going to._

" _Let go of me! Let me go!" he struggled against Ed's hold._

 _Why wouldn't he let go! Why didn't he let him leave! He knew the truth! The truth!_

" _Al Stop" Ed was near begging but he had to get away._

" _I won't stay here!"_

His next and final action against his brother played slowly in his mind, like it had when it had happened.

 _He didn't even think when he shoved his brother away from him, the sharp end of the steel causing a new wound as his brother hit the ground hard unclosed and healing ones reopened during the fall._

 _The next thing Al was seeing was his brother trying to sit up as Winry ran over to him trying to help, what caught his attention was the new cut that was bleed on his left side, the other wounds had been torn open during the fall blood fell from Ed's split bottom lip and the beginnings of a bruise were forming on his cheek._

 _The slightly torn mint colored shirt had started to turn red as blood ran out once again and yet through all that he managed to look at Al, no hate just utter sadness._

" _Alphonse…"_

 _He sounded so broken like glass; his body already was he didn't even seem to notice._

But his eyes, Al shuddered at the memory.

Inside he knew he had broken him and would Ed even care if he ever came back.

" _Stay back" Al spoke as he watched his brother lift his broken body._

 _There was no denying the soul crushing agony in his eyes, how was he even standing?_

" _Hold on" the words were pained and forced as they left Edwards lips trying to limp over to the armored boy._

" _Just stay back" he warned but Ed kept limping towards him as he finally shouted" Keep away from me!" and with that he turned, ignoring his brothers desperate cry of Al! As he jumped off the roof and onto the concrete below._

 _As he ran he had heard his brother's screams and shout's as he called out his name, he didn't care though he hadn't cared._

He wished he had.

 _ **(Present Moment)**_

Had it really been only yesterday?

To Al it felt like it had been ages ago, and no matter how much he replayed the scenario over and over again in his mind.

No matter how he thought about it there was no valid excuse besides fear for the way he had acted.

He felt shame, deep shame for believing someone who had almost killed his brother three years ago more than the one person who'd take a blade to the heart for him.

Even when said person was nearly indestructible unless if their blood seal was broken.

He remembered how he spent the day walking around mulling on his thoughts, had spent the entire night too.

Thinking and using the memories he had and he came to another conclusion.

Nobody would be ready to give up their life for a fake soul, because if he wasn't real then maybe that meant his brother really wouldn't have been able to keep his soul here and if that had happened his brother would have died that night.

From a leg lost in foolishness and an arm lost in desperation.

Ed really wouldn't have cared if he had died that night either if he hadn't come back, was something else Al realized and he knew from experience that Ed as never opposed to the idea of his own death.

Then more memories began to play, the panic at seeing Ed in a pool of blood, the monster that had once been their beautiful mother.

The endless nights of hearing his brother scream from pain and nightmares.

The small melody without words but he could always remember the tune, the lullaby of their mother.

Surely this tune wouldn't bring him comfort if their mother had been false, a fabrication of memories.

And then he remembered the day he had seen Barry the Chopper as a human for the first and final time, his brother had been ready to kill the man.

The rush of panic and pain at seeing his brother reduced to that state, the week of recovery from the trauma that only Al could help with.

And when Scar attacked them he had been ready to throw away his life for Al.

No one would trust and care about a generic soul that much, not his brother.

When Ed decided to protect or care about someone it was because he saw something in them that no one else could see. He always judged by a person's worth never by appearance after all Al wasn't exactly normal looking.

Ed had joined the military for him, had taken on all the verbal and sometimes physical abuse of being a dog of the military.

"And I pretty much told him he wasn't anything better than trash" he whispered the cat looked up at him with golden eyes.

It caused Al to flinch, golden eyes filled with agony, broken beyond repair.

He moved a large leather hand towards the cat stroking it gently, a fake soul couldn't love cats this much either.

But looking down at his steel arm just gave him another reason to feel horrified; blood was chipping off the steel and slowly being washed off by the rain.

Blood, Ed's blood, His brother's blood.

In his desperation and fragile mental state trying to get his brother off, he ended up using more force than necessary sending his brother into the air and onto the ground.

Blood had begun to pool on his shirt and trailed as he tried to walk, sitting in a pool of red.

Alphonse shuddered, he had done it the one thing he never thought he'd ever do while in this body.

"With my own hands I hurt my brother" his voice was almost cracking and downright borderline hysterical.

Dry heaving sobs echoed through his hollow frame the cat ran off, fearful of the armor that had begun to shake.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he knew no one was around but he was scared.

Another point that he was real, how could he feel such self loathing, such anger, fear and guilt if he wasn't human?

How could he so desperately want someone to hold him, to tell him everything would be okay again?

No he didn't want somebody, he wanted his brother.

He had to see his brother again; he had to tell him he didn't mean what he said, He had to fix everything!

He had to even if Winry would reduce him to scrap metal for hurting Edward like he did, he wouldn't mind he deserved it.

After all he was the monster that rose from his brother's nightmares, his brother who always blamed himself for the transmutation and Al's current state.

"Does he think I hate him now?" he didn't despite the hurt and anger he felt the day before he hadn't felt hate only indifference and pain.

He could never hate his brother, ever! He'd follow him to the ends of the earth if he had to; there wasn't anything Al wouldn't do for him.

"And he thinks I don't care anymore" what had he done.

He had to go back, he had to apologize but how could he! He had disowned his brother, he had left him alone.

Alone, that was the one thing his brother feared more than anything.

Al didn't count himself in his thoughts because to his brother being alone and losing him were one in the same.

That last look he had of his brother's face it was the look of a broken man someone who had lost any will at all to fight, to live.

And as Alphonse stood up he remembered another time his brother had looked so dead, after the transmutation a few days later when Al had asked why he was refusing to eat and sleep.

That memory couldn't be faked either, if it made his soul ache so badly.

 _ **(Four Years Ago)**_

" _Brother you have to eat and try to sleep! If you don't you're going to die!" Alphonse nearly shouted, his voice was laced his pure terror._

 _The moon was the only light in the dark room as his brother's dull golden eyes looked up at Al almost painfully; there was no fire, no fight._

 _All that lay on those cold white sheets was a shadow of his brother._

" _Why?" came Ed's raspy response, he hadn't talked much either, voice box gone unused for so long._

 _Al looked down at his brother" Huh?" he asked, what did he mean?_

" _Why should I live? I didn't need to live, you lost more than me why didn't he take more" Alphonse wasn't even sure his brother was even talking to him._

" _They should have given everything to you!" his brother's voice was so broken as he shouted this._

 _Al didn't know how to respond to that as before he could even speak up Edward slowly turned his head towards him, he had shuddered at the dark look in his brother's eyes._

" _I could die Al?" Al knew his brother wasn't all their when he spoke next" I wish I would already, then I'd get what I deserve" something broke inside of Al that night._

 _He never ever, thought he'd hear words like that come out of his brothers mouth, sure part of it was his emotional state but depriving himself of everything! Forcing Alphonse to watch him wither away every day!_

 _His brother was bordering suicidal and he was going to end it now!_

 _Did Ed really think he wanted to live in a world without him! His brother could be so stupid!_

" _Shut up! I can't believe you just said that Edward!" he made sure not to yell too loudly saying his brother's name meaning he was serious._

 _His brother stared at him wide eyed that dead dark look seemingly had left him for those few moments as Al spoke._

" _Do you really think I'm even going to let you leave me alone here? You didn't give up your arm just to let yourself die and make me watch you did you!?" he asked in desperation._

" _Are you going to let Winry and Granny keep hurting, are you really giving up and leaving me on my own brother!" his body was shaking hollowly with dry sobs._

 _Ed's expression had changed as he watched Al have his break down" you-you'd really care if I died"_

 _How the hell could Ed even ask him that?_

" _Brother you idiot of course I'd care, if you did die I'd break my blood seal!" he saw Ed's eyes widen in fear._

" _Did you really think I wouldn't follow you brother?" he whispered sitting down on the wooden floor" were all we have Ed if you give up I have to give up to" he admitted._

 _The only reason Al wasn't going crazy in his new body was because of his brother but if Ed gave up why should he keep fighting anymore, the lonely nights, the dark thoughts, the torture of watching people eat but not being able to join in._

" _You can't give up Al, you just can't" his brothers voice was barely above a whisper and held unshed tears._

 _Brother probably hadn't thought about what I'd do if he died, I couldn't blame him in a way he had lost more than me._

 _If I ever told him he'd deny it._

 _I only lost my body but brother, he had lost more than his arm and leg I saw it in his face in the few time's he spoke._

 _Whatever had been left of his true carefree brother was gone; even if his brother did one day decide to live again he wasn't going to be the same._

 _He looked older almost; not physically of course; physically he looked so small, so frail._

" _Brother maybe, maybe there's a way to get our bodies back but you have to live if we want to find out" Al didn't even know if what he said was true but THAT had gotten his brothers attention._

" _Get our bodies back?" he asked._

 _Al nodded" maybe there is a way, remember what I told you about what that military man said" he spoke, the man Mustang they hadn't discussed it much because of Ed's current state but now._

 _Brother frowned" maybe it could work" and when Ed looked at Al the armored boy gasped._

 _He could see it his brother his real brother was still their, he wasn't all gone._

 _Reaching out slowly Al watched as his brother latched on to his left steel arm as best he could while off balanced and missing half his limbs._

" _I'll try Al I promise brother" the rarely used word erased any doubts from Al's mind his brother wasn't going to give up, not yet._

" _And I promise too, I'll keep going to" and for the first time in days his older brother finally found sleep in his brothers arms._

 _Al couldn't help the wave of protectiveness that flowed through him, what they were looking for wasn't going to be easy to obtain but he knew he'd never let his brother ever hurt himself or let him hurt this badly again._

 _ **(Present Day)**_

But he had hurt him again, that memory was one of the few good ones during their time after the transmutation.

He always made sure brother took care of himself, reminded him when to eat, forced him to go to bed, would literally drag him to a hospital if his injuries couldn't be fixed by his own hand.

Al looked at the rain soaked street, hardly a soul in sight.

He had been walking while the memory played through his mind heading back to his brother; he wished he hadn't ended the memory as he now realized how close he was to the hospital.

How close he was to where it all began and ended.

He was afraid of facing his brother.

But looking at the large building he felt something constrict near the place where his heart would have been, placing a leather gauntlet over his chest plate he steadied himself as he also remembered that Ed wasn't the only person he had to apologize to.

If Winry's reflexes' weren't so quick Al would how injured her instead even if accidently.

Inhaling a breath that he didn't need and brought no air he steeled himself as he walked through the front door.

He didn't know what to expect but chaos in the waiting room was the last thing he had even thought of.

Winry, Maria Ross and Denny Brosh were their backs turned to him as the very familiar muscular form of Major Armstrong.

The four seemed to be speaking as a few soldiers Al didn't recognize seemed to be asking the nurses questions and even recognized the dark haired doctor that was in charge of his brother.

His armor clanked loudly as some of his joints had begun to rust during his night and most of the afternoon out in the rain.

The four solders and Winry stopped their conversation as they turn towards Al.

He didn't know what he was expecting but before anyone could react he found himself on the ground, the only reason his helmet hadn't flown off was because he had grabbed it landing on his steel back.

Winry's wrench lay a few feet away as she stalked over to him face red but not crying, though dried up tear tracks gave him the impression she had awhile ago.

"ALPHONSE ELRIC YOU IDIOT!" the waiting room seemed to go silent as before Winry could continue Armstrong had stepped in placing a large hand on Winry's slight frame.

"Ms. Rockbell while your anger is understandable now is not the time" the major seemed frightening serious

Alphonse had no idea what was going on or why he was getting looks from the four varying from sadness, shock to anger, mostly from Winry.

"M-major what's going on?" he had a feeling he wouldn't like the answer.

And he was right.

"Edward snuck out of the hospital the night before, in his current condition his very life could be at risk" Al froze as the words left the man's lips.

He didn't need to know the 'why' he knew why his brother had run, he was looking for him.

And if he was just as hurt as he had been when he left him and with the cold, rain and not even counting his automail and mental state.

They had to find him" we have to find him!" he saw Winry's anger turn to hurt when she heard the tears in his voice.

She must have realized why he came back.

Apparently they'd been searching for both of them since morning but now that Al himself was okay and located.

And now that everything had begun to sink in along with the 'what ifs?' Of what could happen to his brother out there in the current elements.

Hysterical wasn't even close to the way he began to plead to help search for his brother, apparently Winry hadn't told them about their fight and he couldn't help but be thankful for that.

But as Al stepped outside a metal tap against his side made him look down and for a moment he thought it had been his brother but it was Winry umbrella held over her head.

"I'm going with you and if you even-"Al cut off her angry rant.

"If something happens to him you can do everything your thinking of doing right now Winry" he turned his head away" I'd deserve it" he began to move not looking back as a few minutes later he was joined by Winry once again.

He was aware of the stares she kept giving him and he remembered he had hurt her to not just his brother; it was just that Ed was always the first person on his mind.

"You were right" he muttered.

Winry gave him a confused and somewhat angered look" what are you talking about _Al_ " he tried not to wince at her bitter use of his name.

"About what I said to you and for hurting you" as they walked down a quite road looking at a few alleyways or any signs of his brother.

Like blood

He didn't have to wait long for an answer" you didn't hurt _me_ Al" Al knew what she meant in her phrasing to.

"Yes I did, I didn't just hurt brother I hurt you to I pretty much said you weren't my friend" they had stopped at a turn corner" I pretty much said you weren't my big sister" Winry blinked at that one.

He may have had a crush on Winry once but that had just been puppy love, over the years before and after their mother died he really had begun to see Winry as sort of a big sister even if she was as tough as any boy.

Soft sniffles caught his attention as he looked at Winry and panicked, tears were falling from her eyes as she tried to rub them away" W-winry I'm sorry I didn't mean" another tap to his armor stopped him.

"Al you dummy" the pale blond said as she smiled at him.

Al felt what would have been breathe hitching at Winry's smiling face, had she really forgiven him?

"You and Edward both, can't you ever make anything easy" she grumbled and Al felt a small chuckle leave him before his thoughts turned again.

His brother, they had to find him, it was only going to get colder the later it got.

"I'm glad then, but we have to find brother" his voice cracked at the end of his sentence as they began their search again Winry spoke up again.

"Al why did you?-"

"It was stupid and-"

"Telling me and Ed all that isn't something stupid Al" as the girl looked at the streets seeing no one she gave Al a quick glance before speaking" you and Ed never tell me anything can you at least tell me why you did what you did?" he was following winry the girl hadn't turned back as she kept on the alert.

It was true he and his brother didn't tell Winry anything about their going on's, it was because they didn't want her to get hurt or in his older brothers case he didn't want to see her cry.

It's not like it ever worked, she worried about the constantly and after his outburst there was no way out of her questioning and hadn't he just called her his older sister?

So he told her not everything he didn't tell her about the homunculi or the ingredients to the stone or Scar or how his brother got hurt he just told her about his fight with Barry.

H hadn't missed the shaking of her slight form the old horror show up behind her sapphire blue eyes; it had been a traumatic experience for her to.

Surprisingly she didn't call him a dummy again or hit him with the wrench that seemed to materialize out of nowhere.

"He said a lot of things to Ed to when he caught us, I've never seen him so scared" he watched as she hugged her right arm around herself the umbrella shaking in her left.

Al tilted his head as she continued" it wasn't your fault Al, he had a way to get into people's heads" her voice was trembling and Alphonse wished he hadn't brought it up.

If his brother had nearly shut off on him after the incident how worse of had Winry been, especially with what she knew would have happened to her if he hadn't shown up with the military.

But Al shook his head" he got into my head but I'm the one who said all that to brother, it is my fault" nothing more was said between them as they continued their search.

Not at all aware of the scene they were about to stumble on and once again Al wished he hadn't believe someone else's words especially an enemies words so easily.

 **This will have two or three more chapters I always loved episode 23 and had several ideas for it, and so this story was born.**

 **The flashback was of my own creation, I always thought Ed might have been a little broken in the head for awhile I know I wouldn't if I had seen an done everything he had.**

 **The characters may be OOC but I try till next time**


	2. Regret

**Regret**

 _ **We always wonder what we could have said, what we could have done, it's not until we lose or do the wrong thing and someone pays for our foolishness do we realize how wrong we were and all were left with is a sinking feeling in our souls**_

"Al! Al! Alphonse!"

Ed limped down another alley holding his left side tightly but gently so the automail wouldn't cause more harm, blood was staining the metal fingers.

He had to find him! He had to he couldn't lose Al again!

He just couldn't.

Cold chilled him to the bones and the automail wasn't helping right now, hospital clothes already soaked clean through and blotches of red littering them. Golden hair limp around his shoulders as ever step was the hardest thing in the world and the pain was excruciating.

But who was he to even complain when it was his fault that his little brother was stuck in an unfeeling suit of armor, he deserve everything he felt.

Tripping for the umpteenth time both from physical and emotional weariness as well as the rain slicken path he felt his wounds scream as he bit back a moan.

He didn't make a move to pick himself up though because another thought had entered his mind.

What if Al didn't want to see him?

Didn't his little brothers actions just confirm what he'd known all along, that his brother hated him and blamed him for his current body.

Heck Al had practically thrown him away like some old rag, why was he even searching when Al had released any claims of being his brother, of ever caring about him or being his family.

Why did it hurt so much when he always knew Alphonse hated him?

"Because now I can't lie to myself anymore" he muttered into his metal arm, it hurt too much to move the flesh one.

He felt the sudden rush of heat behind his eyes as he took in a large gulp of air, he wasn't going to cry Al couldn't cry so he couldn't either it was bad enough he broke down three years ago with that psychopath.

He wasn't sure if he was thinking of Barry the Chopper or Shao Tucker, one of which was still very much alive.

He didn't know the former live serial killer was once again the cause of his problems.

But then he remembered he didn't have anyone to hide his tears from anymore and so as unwanted as they were they came and mixed with the rain water.

A gust of wind a few minutes later brought him back to the present as he shivered, he'd been out all night and his body was at its limits in the pain department. Not only that but several of his deeper wounds had started to open up again and the fresh cut along his left side was throbbing.

He tried not to think about the one who caused that one, it wasn't his fault, and it wasn't his brother who did it.

If anything it was Ed's fault it was always his fault after all, how many people's lives had he screwed up already.

There was his mother first of all, he never told Al because that would be showing weakness and back then he had a job and role to fill for his younger brother that their father had left behind.

He wondered if their father's reason for leaving hadn't been his fault in some way, Mustang always did call him irritable and impossible to work with. Maybe that's why he left; maybe it really had been Ed's fault.

Then there was the months following their mother's death, after that he had to be a mother, a father, a caretaker and a brother. It was hard so unbelievably hard trying to care for someone who was only a year younger than you, maybe that's why he wanted to bring their mom back.

Sure he and Al had wanted to see her face again, see her smile and soothing voice that made any situation better.

But honestly Ed had been scared, what if he screwed up and did something wrong then something bad would happen to Alphonse.

He chuckled dryly as he lifted his head hands both metal and flesh shaking as he tried to push himself up, he was afraid something bad would happen?

It had happened and now this was the repercussion, he had killed his mother that night that thing he brought her back as but that wasn't the worse of it.

He had killed his own brother that night too, sure the people who knew their secret didn't see it that way but Ed did he had killed his own brother all because he was afraid of doing things alone.

Well he really had been alone after that, that's why he stuck his baby brother in that unfeeling steel because he didn't want to be alone.

The list of people went on after that, from random people he met along the way to Nina the little girl who had been like a sister to them only to have her die a horrible death in a body of a chimera.

Holding himself up against whatever building he had fallen next to a few ragged breaths were all he took before heading out again.

But he really was alone now, Al was gone he had left him behind and as he kept thinking back to yesterday afternoon he kept wondering why he was even searching for him.

"Maybe I'm just waiting to die" he laughed at that slightly, it was a sick sound made by someone who had honestly lost any sort of will to live.

It wouldn't surprise him if the real reason he left the hospital wasn't just to look for Al but to wait for his body to give out; it would be fitting he thought.

He had taken everything from Al and all he ever gave were empty promises and after what had happened at Lab 5.

His stupid conscious those prisoners would have died anyway why couldn't he kill them, why!?

But he knew why, he wasn't a monster he wasn't about to throw away people's lives for personal gain.

Winry had been right too, Al never would have been happy in a body that held a reminder of what had happened.

Al, looking at the blood both dry and freshly spilled from his left side he knew his brother and if anything he was probably terrified about what he had done.

Ed didn't blame him about that either Al would never hurt him on purpose ever, in fact he had been afraid of touching him for the first few months when both of them were relearning how to do everything.

Al who was cut off from the world entirely and he who had to learn how to reuse and carry the weight of two limbs that were no longer there.

Speaking of metal limbs the throbbing of his stumps had begun to increase, it was becoming harder to tell what hurt were.

A clatter of metal caught his attention as he turned half expecting to see Alphonse; it was only a cat though.

The sight of a cat though, another flash of pain tore through him as he didn't fight the pull of gravity this time.

He winced as his head smacked into the ground but didn't make a sound, he just laid there he hadn't even made it out of the alleyway.

He stared blankly at nothing, what was the point anymore?

What was the point of all of this really?

A small nudge to his side caused him to hiss through his teeth as he noticed the same rained soaked black cat curl up beside him, its golden eyes started at him curiously.

"I wonder if my brother ever snuck you inside his armor, probably he does it more than often" he told the cat as it just yawned and licked at its wet fur.

Great he was talking to a cat he was really loosing it, it didn't surprise him though blood lost affected him more than the average person, with two limbs missing it wouldn't take much to kill him.

What would take a normal person hours to bleed out; he'd be dead in half the time.

The thought of death brought up the fight from the day before; he wasn't moving anywhere he honestly didn't think he could even if he wanted to.

He didn't notice how his flesh was going cold or the fact that he was shaking from more than just cold.

He just wanted it all to end if Al had left.

He wanted to leave too.

He promised.

 _ **(Yesterday Afternoon)**_

 _No! No! NO!_

 _This couldn't be happening it couldn't be happening!_

 _But it is, a sly voice snapped in the back of his mind._

 _He had just finished repairing Al when the younger asked him a strange question about his repaired armor._

 _After he answered though, he tried to calm down his irrational thoughts as he spoke as calmly as possible "Fake memories? Al don't tell me that's what's been brothering you" he tried to sound relived but that had seemed the wrong way to go as Al snapped at him._

" _Why shouldn't I be concerned? I'm beginning to forget things, I can't remember moms face; I can't remember how food taste or even warmth! I can barley recognize anyone back home besides Winry and Granny!" his voice was getting louder and with it Ed's fear._

" _Al" he began only for his little brother cut him off again._

" _Back in Resembool you said you had something to tell me but you were afraid of how I'd react, you remember that don't you "ed froze when Alphonse reminded him of that night._

 _He couldn't answer that, he couldn't ask him; he couldn't not when Al was pretty much answering his unspoken question._

" _The reason I'm forgetting is because none of my memories are real! Their just things you created, my soul isn't real! Isn't that what you wanted to tell me?" Al snapped._

 _Ed felt something inside him fall apart at the accusation he was sure his face was now of shock and horrifying fear, he felt himself shaking he already was having trouble standing from the energy used on fixing Al but this._

 _It felt like his insides were being frozen over, he recognized this as numb shock._

 _He didn't even notice that Winry had spoken up began to argue and trying to counter Al's accusations, but when he heard Al deny that he ever existed or the fact that Alphonse was gone._

 _He knew his face had lost any color it held at that one, his breathing had begun to hitch and he knew if he didn't react soon he'd either pass out from lack of oxygen or from the painful constricting his heart._

 _When Al finally accused him, Winry and granny of lying to him he spoke up, he didn't care how low his voice was, how broken he sounded, how his voice shook in time with his body" So you've been sitting on these thoughts all this time? Is there anything else your hiding?"Just say it! Just say it Al!_

 _How he wanted Al to already say he hated him but, at the same time he wanted to crumble to the ground in agony._

 _But then he said it, not the word but it could be the same thing._

" _What about you my so called brother! Why won't you say anything! Unless it's true!"_

 _So called? So they weren't brothers anymore? He felt like something was being ripped apart inside him._

 _Being pulled out and smashed to bits._

 _That's when he noticed Al was going to leave, he panicked._

 _Al was going to leave, he was leaving, his mind flashed to his father leaving them behind._

 _Then their mother as she got sicker and sicker and left them behind._

 _It snapped him out of his broken stupor as he latched onto Al's arm, almost hard enough to dent the steel with his automail._

 _Al just protested as his next words caused his mind to reel to another soul bounded pair of brothers "Let go of me! There's no point of me living anymore!"_

 _Number 48 and his brother, he killed himself because his life had no meaning._

 _Al shook him off after awhile but he wasn't letting him go that easily" Al you idiot!" he shouted as he latched onto his brother again, he didn't notice how he grabbed on, the sharp end of his brothers arm pressed dangerously close to his side._

" _Let go of me! Let me go!"_

" _Al Stop" Ed was practically begging fighting against his brother's strength, he wasn't holding back he noticed._

" _I won't stay here!"_

 _Everything after that was a blur to Ed, he felt something sharp slice open his side as he flew through the air landing on the ground. He hid the scream behind a chocked off groan as he felt blood seeping._

 _His wounds had reopened along with the new one on his left side, his cheek hurt and the metallic taste of blood was in his mouth as his lower lip bled._

 _He looked up at Al agony was clear in his eyes as he felt a great weight fall on his shoulders._

" _Alphonse…"_

 _Al took a step back._

 _Al please._

 _He had done it, the one thing Alphonse was always afraid of he had hurt him with the very same body he had tried so hard to control to do the exact opposite._

 _This wasn't going to end well._

" _Stay Back" Al he sounded so scared and horrified._

 _Ed ignored the screams of his body as he tried to limp over towards Al" Hold on" he was begging by this point as Al kept backing up._

" _Just stay back!" Ed shook his head slightly as he kept limping towards his brother, blood was running down his chest and staining his shirt, leaving a trail as he walked but it seemed everything decided to fall apart at that moment as his brother yelled at him "Keep away from me!"Al turned and jumped off the roof to the floor below._

" _Al!" Ed made his way towards the edge ready to jump when he felt someone's arms hold him back._

 _He fought against the person who he dimly was aware was Winry as he screamed Al's name in unadulterated anguish._

 _Broken wasn't even close to how he felt at that moment, he felt hollow and dead, he felt like shattered glass._

 _It finally happened Al he had left, he left!_

 _Why was he so broken inside though, he already knew Al would do this._

 _He didn't notice how he had broken down in Winry's arms, how he was still mumblings Al's name in numb shock, how he had begun to sob silently or how he was slowly beginning to lose consciousness as the blood lost got to him._

 _He woke up sometime later he didn't know how he had gotten back in his hospital bed but he was aware of the relived voice of Winry beside him._

 _He looked at her; blood was covering her white shirt it was obvious she hadn't moved since he somehow ended up here._

" _Winry?" he didn't even bother to wince at how weak his voice sounded._

 _What was the point, who was he hiding it from anyway._

 _He saw Winry wince at his voice but tried to smile" you were out for awhile, the doctor had to close your wounds again" she admitted as she seemed nervous about telling him the next part" he said you won't be able to leave for another week or so and the one Al gave you had to have stitches" he winced when she mentioned Al._

" _It wasn't his fault, he didn't know what he was doing" he automatically defended his brother as Winry frowned._

" _I didn't tell the doctor Ed" she looked away from him, he couldn't blame her._

 _He probably looked as awful as he felt; when he shifted he felt his wounds ache dully the pain killers they must have given him were working on that at least._

 _A loose strand of hair fell in his face but he didn't have the energy to move it away._

" _Thanks Winry" he saw the shock in her eyes, he rarely thanked anyone._

 _It just wasn't him, but honestly putting up some fake tough front was the farthest thing from his mind._

" _You're welcome?" she almost seemed to ask, she rubbed her bare arm before speaking whatever thoughts were troubling her" why didn't you tell him Ed?" he didn't need her to explain he knew what she as talking about._

 _Ed turned away from her and said nothing, he wanted her to leave now but at the same time he didn't._

 _Al was gone if Winry left that would be the nail in the coffin._

" _I was scared" he could just imagine the shocked looked on her face, what was the point might as well tell her._

 _He wasn't planning on doing much anyway; he was breaking his promise but just like Al had said once._

 _If he gave up Al would to, well Al had given up so Ed had too._

" _Ed?" Winry was afraid she never ever heard Ed speak like this, so defeated._

 _What had they done to each other?_

 _Winry knew more than anyone how close Ed ad Al were, there was only one way Ed would go back to normal._

 _Because if she was being honest she was scared too, scared that Ed was going to do something stupid._

" _We have to find him, even if he does already hate me I can at least tell him" Ed didn't finish what did he want to tell him? Ask if he hated him._

 _He already has his answer to that but, but he had to see Al again he had to tell him that without Al he was lost and scared. The only reason he held on this long was for the purpose of getting his brothers body back, he had to do that much at least even Al left again._

" _He doesn't hate you Ed, but you guys need to talk" he heard the door to the room he was in close after that._

 _He thought about Winry's words he already knew what he was going to do._

 _H he didn't know how long he spent staring at the opposite wall as the hospital quieted down for the night, looking at the IV's in his arm when had they added a second one?_

 _He pulled them out without a second thought as he put on the ratty hospital slippers, opening the window he noticed it was raining and adding to that it was cold to._

 _Shivering and ignoring the pull of his wounds he was quickly soaked to the bone as he began his search for his brother, he didn't move very fast though._

 _Part of it was physical pain but the other part was emotional, he was scared to find his brother._

 _What if Al didn't want to hear him out, what if Al didn't want to forgive him, what if he?_

 _Shaking loose wet hair the night time wasn't kind on him as everything that wasn't lit by street lamps was dark, and trying to find a seven foot suit of armor in the dark, cold and rain was near impossible._

 _He contemplated a river but there wasn't one here, so alleyways it was._

 _That's how he ended up in his present condition._

 _ **(Present day)**_

"Winry's going to clock me one when she finds me" Ed realized as he blinked.

Why was it suddenly so hard to stay awake, he nearly cried out as he felt something touch his side.

Turning he saw it was the cat, it was still their?

"Waiting for me to die and use me as cat food" though the usual bite wasn't in his voice; the black cat just stared at him tilting its head to one side.

That's when he noticed how the cat's legs seemed to be dripping red liquid, with sluggish movements he noticed the wound Al had given had opened up more along with a few others.

Well that explained why he felt so tired, huh, so this was how he was going to die was it?

Next to a cat in the middle of an alleyway were no one knew where to find him.

A small broken smile appeared on his face, rain, alleyway, a broken body with him on the ground inches from death.

It was almost like the day Scar had almost killed him, he guess the stray cat was Al in his current situation.

He was oddly calm about dying; he remembered how many times he had let himself be put in a situation like that.

The first time had been after the transmutation, he honestly believed Al back then when he said he'd miss him if he died.

That had to have been a lie on his brother's part, something to spare his feelings with.

But inside the part of him that wasn't a shattered mess new that wasn't the case, Al wouldn't have stuck around that long if that had been true.

Then what had changed? What had he done that made Al lash out so violently?

He moved his automail arm, not that it made a difference his stump ached just as badly as the rest of him and the blood loss wasn't helping.

He tried one last time, just tried to sit up.

He couldn't even manage that, and whatever part of him had been fighting to find his brother gave up.

For all he knew Al want even here anymore maybe he left to some other town or city and he was wasting his time.

It was completely possible since Al didn't need anything a normal human body required after all.

A rough tongue scrapped against his cheek, the black cat was staring at him once again head tilted golden eyes almost seemed amused.

"Bet your having fun, I can't move and your just here doing whatever cats do" he was just blabbering blood loss did that to you after all.

The cat sniffed at him one more time before it walked away leaving a trail of bloody paw prints in its wake.

His head began to pound and the aching seemed to worsen, he could feel the pull to fall asleep just like the day before when he and Al had fought.

"I'm sorry Al, I should have just asked you, but I fucked it up again" he always did, there wasn't anything he could ever do without someone getting hurt.

If there was one thing he wanted to do it was just to tell Al he was sorry, at least give him that.

But of course life never had been fair to him, why would it start going his way now.

He numbly thought back to the human transmutation, he had been in this exact same situation. On the ground in extreme pain and bleeding out with no one around, all that was missing was the deformed pile of flesh and a gate that held the truth.

Only this time there was no little brother to help him, no one to save him, he was alone again.

He didn't want to be saved anyway, what was the point?

It was so ironic it was almost funny, he was going to die in the exact same way he almost did the first time.

The last thing he remembered before falling asleep was the meow of a cat, a shriek and clanking metal.

 **A bit shorter than the first chapter I'm actually better at writing Al than Ed so sorry if Ed's a bit OOC, I'm trying to use what I saw in a movie once for inspiration. So sorry if Ed's kinda pathetic I just thought that's how someone would react to being completely abandoned by the one person they dedicated their life to.**


	3. Forgiveness

**Forgiveness**

 _ **There is no love without forgiveness, there is no forgiveness without love, it takes a strong person to say sorry but an even stronger person to forgive, because there is always a second chance never break that hope**_

"Were never going to find him!" armor clanked loudly as Alphonse threw his armored hands in exasperation and fear" we need too! It's getting darker, if anything happens to him" Al was just muttering hysterics by now.

Winry said nothing, times like these made her realize exactly how alike Ed and Al could be.

If it was Ed he would be acting just like Al, her friend was shaking with every step he took and they've been down several streets already and still no sight of him.

"Is their anywhere he would've gone looking for you Al?" Winry was just as worried but currently she was the only one not having a mental break down.

Though the minute they found Ed she was going to let him meet a new side of her wrench, course that was just her fear talking.

"A river but there aren't any around here" Al's voice was shaking as he shook his head" and alleyways are the only other place I can think of" both let out sighs, it would take days to check every alleyway and they didn't have that sort of time.

The sky had already darken Al had shown up around 2:00 pm by now it was probably 6:00 pm, trying to calm his hysterical mind Al made to go forward as Winry had already begun walking when.

A loud meow caught his attention making him look across the street; it was a cat, a black cat with golden eyes.

He tilted his head; it couldn't be the same one from before could it?

That's when he noticed how the water that was dripping off it wasn't water; it was too thick…to red.

Acting before thinking he barley heard Winry's shout of 'Al! What are you doing?!' he hoped he was right but at the same time he hoped he was wrong.

The cat scurried away at the sight of such a large suit of armor coming towards it, barley three steps into the alleyway.

"BROTHER!"

There he was but Al didn't want to believe what he was seeing, water splashed as Winry's horrified shriek of Ed! Snapped him out of his stupor.

Both of them kneeled down near the unconscious boy.

He was lying in a growing pool of his own blood, the rain water was preventing the wounds from closing and his skin was terribly pale making the bruise on his cheek stand out. The worst part was how badly he was shaking the only color was the redness in his cheeks no doubt from a fever.

"Oh, Ed" Winry sobbed reaching out touching the boy and recoiling as if burned" he has a fever and he's lost a lot of blood" she said seriously trying to calm herself using her limited medical knowledge.

Their seemed to be a lot of crying the past two days" we have to get him back to the hospital!" was all Al could say as he picked up his brother internally wincing at how lifeless Ed seemed.

Pounding rain and darkness, his brother bleeding to death in his arms scared that he wouldn't make it.

The two began to sprint back as the memories kept playing in Al's head, he only focused on the fact that they found Ed, but how bad off was he?

He didn't even stir as Al moved, his bulky form behind Winry's as it seemed like a repeat of that terrible night all over again.

Only this time the blood wasn't from bloodied stumps, it was from wounds received by an enemy and his own brother.

His brother's only movement was the limp lolling of his head and the slight shudder that passed through him from his fever.

And all Al knew was that this was his fault, no matter what anyone told him this was his fault.

Because no matter what anyone said, he was the one to hurt his brother, no one but him.

The next few hours past in a blur for Alphonse when they returned to the hospital.

The search was called off as his brother was as everyone had feared, much worse off now.

Because of how many times they had been torn open the larger wounds, those that Al knew had been caused by a sword and his own armor had begun to get infected.

The fever was another problem onto itself along with the blood lost; it would be longer than a week now till his brother could be released.

They were watching to see if he developed phenomena which was completely possible, an entire night and most of a day out there in the elements.

His brother always fought these things like he did an enemy, but now as Alphonse watched from a corner he doubted it.

He doubted his brother would want to fight; he hadn't woken up at all he hadn't even stirred a bit.

The doctor said it had been blood lost and the fever which was being caused from the strain, best case scenario it would just stay a fever.

Worst case it would go from being just a cold to pneumonia, he was glad that the doctor had let him stay.

Several excuses were made so Alphonse wouldn't be forced to return to an empty dorm room, just to sit awake like always.

Not knowing if his brother was even going to want to wake up.

His brother hadn't moved at all either, he lay still in the hospital bed and if Alphonse wasn't hearing the heart monitor would have thought him dead.

 _Or he's in a coma_

It wasn't a high possibility though, the doctor said he only hit his head but not even that was hard enough to cause that.

But what did Al expect he always became paranoid when his brother was so badly injured.

Standing up Al winced at how loud his armor sounded in the quiet hospital room; he glanced at his joints seeing rust.

It wasn't much but his brother would have to fix it that is if he would fix it.

Making his way towards the left side of the bed he reached out and gently held his brothers flesh hand, he knew it would have been better to hold the automail one as that one couldn't feel pain.

But it felt wrong to do that, despite being nerveless steel that felt nothing something about his brother being able to feel his touch was important to him.

Even if he couldn't feel his brother's hand he knew if Edward was awake he'd be able to feel the armor, maybe that's why he did it.

Somehow was it possible that Al knew that he was afraid? Did he subconsciously know his brother always needed him by his side, is that why he always made sure Ed could be sure he was there?

And Al couldn't remember the times his brother had woken up and asked for him, his brother who always got hurt.

He always worried about him first, even the day he woke up here he asked about Al first.

"We never change do we brother?" he knew Ed probably couldn't hear him, and was glad they had given his brother pain killers.

No matter what Al did he couldn't help remembering what he had said, what he had done.

He remembered every word that planted every seed of doubt in his mind, but now looking at his brothers still form he wondered once again how he could ever let himself believe that.

He was the worst brother ever" I'm sorry big brother" he just didn't know what else to say.

In his self-loathing he never heard the clicking of automail or the hoarse whisper of his name, at least until he heard the sound of metal on fingernails.

Looking down he saw his brother, but the look he was receiving from his older brother.

He hadn't seen his brother this close to tears in a long time, worse was the pure terror buried in those glazed golden eyes.

Dead didn't describe how Al felt at that moment as the minute he lifted his free hand he tried not to sob.

His brother flinched at the action as he let his arm fall and then despite the pain still managed to look guilty as a soft quiet sob filled the quiet, despite the fact that Al deserve this pain his big brother was still protecting him.

He didn't deserve Edward as a brother.

"Why Al?" the last time he heard his brothers voice laced with this much pain and unshed tears was….Al never hated someone as much as that butcher right now.

Why did you leave? Why did you say all that?

The questions were endless and Al found himself afraid to answer.

-000-

Everything hurt; he felt like he had been thrown off a building and landed on sharp rocks everything throbbed even if it was dulled.

He also noticed he was no longer feeling the rain on his body or the cool wet stone, now he was dry and laying in what he guessed was a hospital bed.

Only hospital beds were this uncomfortable, the tiny aware part of him realized.

Besides the aches he felt light headed, nauseas and cold despite the fact that he felt overly warm too, the awareness began to grow as he faintly remembered feeling like this only ten times worse after automail surgery.

Then something moved his head was beginning to gain some clarity though it also hurt.

Probably from when he smacked it into the ground, he thought back as something cold touched his warm hand.

Only one thing felt so cold yet warm so warm at the same time.

Only one person moved around with the sound of hollow armor following.

Alphonse? Was he dreaming or hallucinating?

He remembered a cat and then passing out; maybe he was dreaming this entire situation that was until he heard his little brother's voice.

" _We never change do we brother?"_

He couldn't hallucinate the defeat in his brother's voice to sound like that, Al sounded so scared and even a little defeated.

He wanted to wake up but found her couldn't open his eyes, but it wasn't that he couldn't it was fear.

He was afraid to wake up, why was Al here?

Hadn't he thrown him away? Hadn't Al left him alone?

Why was he back? Or was he going to leave once Ed woke up?

Too many whys circled his already shattered heart, he felt if he woke up he'd find out this was all a dream.

He'd wake up and Al would be gone and he'd be alone.

Or worse it would be Al, but then he would just tell him that he only stayed to bring him back and then leave.

He felt tears behind his eyes and tried to stop them, if it was Al he wasn't about to cry in front of him.

He had some dignity left; even said dignity would be thrown away if Alphonse tried to leave.

He knew if he woke up and Al even tried to leave, well, he would stop him or die trying.

He felt the grip on his flesh hand tightened and was glad for the contact, he never told Al because of his pride but this was the only way Ed could ever be sure his brother was with him.

It was ironic in a way that the one thing he had taken away from his little brother, was the one thing Ed cherished most.

Just the simple sensation of touch even if it was cool steel and rough leather, was enough for him to know Al was there with him.

He knew he wasn't going to be able to fake sleep for much longer especially when Alphonse spoke again.

" _I'm sorry big brother"_

That did it.

Al always called him brother but he only ever called him big brother when they had a particularly nasty fight and Alphonse had said something unusually hurtful.

He couldn't stand the self-loathing he heard in his younger brother's voice as he slowly opened his eyes and hated the fact that he could feel wetness in them.

But he couldn't do anything about it, he hurt too much.

Both inside and out, he was still afraid of Al's reaction of another rejection.

He wouldn't be able to take it if Alphonse left him again, he might as well end this emptiness and just stab himself through the heart.

"Al" he couldn't even find the strength to wince at how hoarse, weak and broken he sounded.

Apparently Al hadn't heard him either as he was able to move his hand enough for his fingernails to tap against the armor.

"Al?" this time his brother responded by looking down, the way the helmet snapped meant Alphonse had been thinking.

He always could read his brother so easily despite the emotionless mask, and right now all he saw was pure pain and guilt.

He watched Al lift his hand and Edward found himself visibly flinching as he stopped a sob from escaping his throat, Alphonse entire body seemed to go ridged with pain as he let his arm fall.

He didn't mean, he wasn't afraid of Al…he wasn't it was just.

The last memory he had was of Alphonse leaving him alone, hurting him and despite all that he couldn't let Al know as he knew his guilt was showing.

Al looked ever worse now as his entire frame spelled guilty, the silence was beginning to get to Ed as he finally asked.

"Why Al?' he once gain cursed his weakness but everyone had a breaking point.

And Ed knew he was past his, if Al didn't tell him the truth of what his reasons were.

Well life wasn't something he would be looking forward to.

Al didn't speak for awhile as all he did was hold his left hand tighter, his little brother had seemed so sure when he rejected him as family the day before.

Why was Alphonse faltering now? He just couldn't take it anymore!

"Al I'm sorry" he spoke quietly as he spoke the next part through clenched teach trying to fight back the sob stuck in his throat" you had every right to leave me, you have every right to hate your stupid older brother"

He was shocked by what Al said next though as he looked up.

"Don't ever say that again brother! You're the one who should hate me!" Al his little brother was never one to fight back emotions as he easy heard the tears he couldn't shed in his little brothers voice.

"Alphonse how could I ever hate you that's just impossible, but you have every right to hate me" it was true despite the fear and hurt he didn't hate his brother, he only hated the pain he was causing but Edward knew he deserve it and more.

Unless Alphonse gave him a plausible reason he'd never believe that his baby brother didn't hate him, didn't resent him, and didn't find him a burden.

He didn't even notice as he turned away that the tears had begun to run down his face.

-000-

Ed always was impatient even like this, as before Al could find his voice brother was already confessing his own thoughts.

"Al I'm sorry" Edward was sorry, what had he done?

Al was the one who completely tore into him, broke lines that should never be crossed had thrown him away.

" You had every right to leave me, you have every right to hate your stupid older brother"

What? Ed he…his brother, he thought.

Suddenly finding his voice he almost yelled but remembered that they weren't the only ones in the hospital" Don't ever say that again brother! You're the one who should hate me!" why was his brother like this.

Why couldn't he let Alphonse take the blame, he was the one that believed Barry the Chopper, he was the one to hurt Ed.

He was the very reason Ed was laying in that bed with a fever and so worn out he could barley move.

But soon the hurt returned full force with his brother's next words.

"Alphonse how could I ever hate you that's just impossible, but you have every right to hate me" his brother had turned his head away best he could letting his long bangs hide his face.

Was it possible for someone to think this little of themselves, think their life was so worthless that if they were destroyed by the one person they cared about most life wasn't worth living?

Yes, it was because if he couldn't convince his brother he cared about him what was the point of his hollow existence.

And he knew what his brother would do all too well; it wasn't like Ed hadn't tried it before.

He was about to scold his brother again when he noticed the way his shoulders shook, he knew this wasn't being caused by the fever or blood loss.

"Brother?" he asked but received no answer as he let go of his brother's hand.

That had been a mistake as with strength his brother didn't have at the moment and yet able to limply almost fall off the bed as he tried to grab at his arm.

Al reacted quickly so used to this situation from the months when his brother didn't have limbs and when the automail was still unusable.

"Brother! You're in no condition to move, are you trying to kill yourself!" he scolded for that one moment things feeling normal.

It felt like four years ago all over again, especially when Ed looked up at him tears staining his face as he asked.

"Would you even care if I was Al?" his armor stiffened with the loudest clang so far as he stared at his brother.

Ed was serious; it wasn't like four years ago when he was only feeling guilty about the transmutation.

Something else was going on right now; he had seen only one time his brother was this serious about ended his life.

And he knew if he didn't give the right answer he'd lose any chance to fix his mistake.

He lightly wondered if this was how brother felt everyday of his life, crushing guilt that felt like it could never be alleviated.

"How can you even ask me that Edward? Don't you remember what I said four years ago" he spoke repeating past words" the only reason I've been able to go on this long is because of you big brother, don't you remember if you gave up I would too" he nearly whispered as his brother lay half sprawled in his arms.

He tried to set Ed back on the bed but despite the IV's in his arm Ed refused to be moved.

"Brother?" he asked as Ed just pressed himself closer to his cold armor.

It almost brought a small wistfulness, that's right, his brother fever.

He use to crawl onto his lap during automail induced fevers all the time and at times he still did to this day, either from a nightmare or just some random excuse Ed made to save his pride.

"Then why Al? Just tell me the truth, even if it's that you hate me" was his brother serious, did he really think Al could hate him.

That brought Al's own questions now, his brother kept repeating that it was okay to hate him.

"Brother I want you to tell me the truth too" Al looked at his brother who could barely keep a grip on him.

"What do you-"Edward wasn't getting out of this one, they both had to tell the truth.

Or else this could happen again, determination now replacing his fear he spoke" you keep telling me to hate you? Why brother? Why when it's you who should hate me?" the silence that followed the worst out of all of them.

Just what was his brother really afraid of? Alphonse knew he was afraid of losing him of him leaving, but there had to be a reason.

It took awhile but the time finally came for both brothers to come clean.

-000-

He felt pathetic, half lying in Al's arms like some scared child.

But that's how he felt scared.

He didn't know why he asked Al that, he knew if they ever resolved this Alphonse wasn't going to be leaving him alone for awhile.

The rational part of his mind knew he was currently a complete wreak, he was saying things he usually wouldn't out loud.

But he felt so scared.

He asked again, asked Al why and that it was okay if Al hated him, but that he wanted the truth.

He wasn't expecting his little brother's response though, that he wanted the truth as well.

Ed tried to act dumb but Al wasn't having it, he didn't want to tell Al, he didn't want to ask but…

Wasn't this the reason they had this fallout.

They had a dangerous codependency and neither brother had ever thought about it until now, neither could live without the other it was just impossible.

Edward sighed as he finally spoke" Al do you hate me? I put you in that clunky armor, you can't eat, sleep or feel" once he started he couldn't stop everything he'd been keeping in for the last four years started to come out.

Al tried to talk but Ed just kept going" why don't you hate me Al, I took away everything from you, all because I wanted mom back and instead I took away everything from you" he was forgetting to breath as he kept going" don't you even resent me? I couldn't even make a stone because I couldn't sacrifice other people, I can't keep my promise Al!" he clenched both hands weakly, his was exerting himself far more than he should and it was beginning to take its toll on his emotions.

There was quiet for a moment before Al spoke" brother how could I hate you for saving my life, you gave up your arm for me not knowing if it would work" he began as Ed listened still afraid "if the transmutation hadn't worked you could have died, how could I hate you for that Edward" ed looked up at his brothers helmet for once not able to read his brother.

"But I-"his little brother stopped him.

"You didn't trap me brother you saved my life and I could never resent you for it" even if he had for only a moment, but Al wouldn't tell his brother that" I don't expect you to do the impossible brother, you'd never sacrifice people for your own gain that just isn't you" Ed hated how understanding his brother was being.

Because it just confused him even more" then what did I do wrong Al? Why did you…" he was getting emotional again, and honestly wanted to sleep but he couldn't without knowing Al's side of the argument" say all that, if you really don't hate me" he could feel the quiver of his brothers armor, after all he was literally in his arms.

"Remember what you told me about the fight you had with those brothers in the armor?" Ed nodded wondering were Al was going with this.

"Barry the Chopper" he felt Al's arms tighten around him as he stiffened.

The name brought back a time he buried in his mind, not even a few days after Nina's death and then Winry had been caught and he had almost.

He felt leather gently rubbing his back, what did he do to deserve such a caring little brother?

Edward would never know.

"What about him" though Ed had a bad feeling about the answer.

"They turned him into what I am, a soul bonded to armor when we fought he said things to me" Ed nodded numbly, oh he knew how that man could get into your head he wasn't surprised he got into Al's so easily" he said that I wasn't your brother and that you just gave me the memories, that I was a fake soul just a puppet" the armor shook again as Al had his head turned.

To a human it would have been uncomfortable but Al had no neck muscles to strain.

So that was why Al said all that? He didn't hate him?

"Alphonse" he heard the helmet move as a weak smile appeared on his face" were both pretty stupid aren't we" he felt the weight in his stomach begin to lessen and the hollowness begin to heal, just hearing his little brothers laughter.

"I'm sorry I believed him and after everything he did to you" Ed winced at the silent anger he heard in Al's voice.

Alphonse was rarely angry but when he did, as much as Edward wanted to hunt down the now soul bonded form of the serial killer he knew his little brother would probably beat him to the punch.

Literally

"But brother can I ask you something?" Ed looked up, Al sounded scared again and for a moment Ed started to let his fear take over again.

"What is it Al?" he asked.

"Do you know why I've been losing my memories, ever since the transmutation and I'm scared that's why I blamed you and Winry" Ed couldn't answer that truthfully as he weakly gripped Al's steel frame.

"Im sorry little brother, I don't know why but that just means we have to work harder to get your body back" the yawn he let out though didn't make the small speech very effective.

"Not so hard you tire yourself to death Ed, I don't want my body back if you're not by my side" neither could brush off the nostalgic feeling inside them as they finally made amends with both their foolishness.

"You know Winry's right, we need to talk more or else this could happen again" and even though Ed wasn't exactly the most sentimental person in the world he knew Al was right.

Anyone could take advantage of them if they didn't have more faith in each other.

"Just don't expect me to be all mushy" Ed chuckle feeling a bit of his old attitude coming back as Al's own chuckle joined in.

"Says you who's currently half using me as a pillow" Al joked back and this time Ed didn't fight the pull for sleep" really brother you'll get stiff" Al chided, he knew it would take awhile before things went back completely back to normal.

But they'd manage, they always did.

"Yeah well, whose fault is that" was another yawn that escaped Ed, as Al had one more thing he needed to get off his chest.

"I'm sorry I hurt you brother, and I also mean physically" Ed just smiled.

"You would never hurt me on purpose Al, I trust you more than I trust myself" Al never got to respond as everything decided to catch up to Ed at that moment.

Logic dictated Alphonse should have placed his brother back onto the bed, but call him selfish.

They both had nearly lost each other because of their fears and lack of communication.

So grabbing the blanket and pillow off the bed he situated his brother into a more comfortable position, being reminded of several past nights spent like this.

Things wouldn't be completely okay until they got their bodies back but until then this was enough, for Al to know his brother was safe and okay even if just for tonight.

It was enough.

At the window watching both boys through the window, a sleek black cat with golden eyes watched them both.

It almost seemed to smile as it jumped into a tree and down the branches, as was the life of a cat.

Full of mystery at every turn, maybe a black cat wasn't as unlucky as people thought they were.

 **I finally finished Fear and DAMN this was tough to write I must have rewrote this five or more times trying to get it perfect but now it's over, and I'm sad;-;, well now to work on Cross Roads and my new story Trisha's Relinqum, I than all my followers for the support and reviews I hope you liked it as much as I had fun writing it**

 **Who can figure out why I used the black cat, whoever does I'll write a once shot for Fullmetal Alchemist of whatever they want or give you a shout out**


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